No, I said, I'm too old

I can't get it up any more

I have a monstrous penis

Actually, I don't even have

a penis, really, I've been

neutered, I'm married,

I have an ongoing relationship,

I can't do this, this is wrong,

what would your boyfriend say?


She wouldn't listen to a word

I said. An hour after the phone call,

she ta-da'd into my apartment wearing

a black trench coat and this pink hat

with feathers sprouting out of it like

multicolored snakes and these little black

patent leather shoes with white ankle socks.


Not to worry, she purred, unbuttoning

the trench coat and slipping it

oh so slowly off her shoulders.

Her lean ballet swimmer's body

naked with the scent of almonds

wrestled me to the floor and stripped me

of dignity, virtue, and clothes.


This is the only way you'll ever understand,

she whispered. Her hands stroked

her own body and then transferred the oil

to my body. I told you I was magical and now

I'm going to prove it. Numb struck,

my body seemed to catch on fire.


She had left the apartment door open, and out

in the hallway I could see two of my old lovers

gazing in on us with wide eyes and open mouths.

When I looked down to see what she she was doing,

I was thunderstruck. My absent penis had grown

to double its normal erect size. Ye Gods, I thought,

I wonder if this stuff's patented. What is this

sta... stuff? I stammered as she straddled my hips

and lowered herself down. Bear grease,

she mumbled, fumbling me into place. Pure

grizzly, and then she roped the calf,

grabbed the bull by the horns and threw me,

rode me bareback, and busted every one of my

broncos until I said I give up, I give in, you win.


One last thing, she whispered, pushing me back and

wedging my head and shoulders under the bed frame.

Remember that little trick I talked about?

Trick? I mumbled, baffled. Here it comes.

And she leaned that powerful athletic body far

back, her thighs tightened in a vise, her arms holding

my legs down. Unbelievable pain. She bounced down

hard, once, twice, thrice, and then snap, crackle, pop,

my cock dropped off.


Not to worry, she purred, pulling herself off and up,

pulling on her trench coat and hat, and buttoning up.

It'll grown back. Oh, hi guys. Hope you enjoyed the show.

Anybody want this? I heard hands clapping, girlish titters,

muffled giggles, one last Ta-Da, the apartment door closing.


I looked everywhere for my poor dick, but it was nowhere.

I looked under the bed, through all the trash bags

and apartment garbage cans, put an ad in the Times,

called the missing cock hotline, but zilch. Nada.

Course I did get a few calls from transgenders and others

of indeterminate sex, but no hot leads. Who in their right

mind would hold onto a dead cock? Finally, I gave up.


Took me seven years and

666 doses of Viagra

to grow it back.